saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
