Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
