he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize