Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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