Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
