I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There's always time for handjobs
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
