We won't sleep together?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
