I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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