I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
