Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
