I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
