Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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