I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
