you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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