He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
