nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
