It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
