omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
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