Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
