you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
