I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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