morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
tell me about the eggs
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
