We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize