OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
