Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
