Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize