So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
