I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
