Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize