And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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