Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
