she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
