I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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