thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
