I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
