Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Floor bacon is actually really good
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
