i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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