This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
