my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
