Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
