I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
