I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
