Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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