There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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