How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
