i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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