i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
