Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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