k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
