I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
