How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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