It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize