i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So vagazzling was a success
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
