just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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